Step 1

HONESTY

KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit that you, of yourself, are

powerless to overcome your addictions and that

your life has become unmanageable.

 

 

 

I am an addict. I had worked so hard at avoiding situations in which I could be tempted but within 2 months of returning home I relapsed.

 

During my mission, by a lot of little miracles, I got in contact with this beautiful, faithful daughter of God. Writing letters to her was just as entertaining as receiving them she was witty and sassy and those letters provided me with a nice break from the difficulties of missionary life. After my mission we made contact first through Facebook. As we were communicating I started developing feelings for this woman. It was weird I was uncertain, I spent no personal time with this woman but I started feeling like I wanted to do anything for her. Getting a text from her put a smile on my face and we'd make jokes and talk about basically anything under the sun. I felt super comfortable talking to her and we'd talk via Skype for hours on end about problems in our lives, funny stories basically anything.

I relapsed one night while she was out with family and I was tired and just got home from work but I knew she wouldn't be on Skype but I got on my computer anyway. Interestingly enough the secretary of the stake presidency had emailed me just shortly before the relapse asking to set up a meeting with the Stake President. I met with him, expressed my frustration at this stupid addiction and how I could never kick it for good. So I got a blessing and started attending Recovery meetings.

They were great! They made a great support group, I even told this woman about my relapse and how I had trouble with pornography in the past, it hurt her a lot. She cried and cried. If it wasn't for the fact that for whatever reason then I felt accountable to her I may have never gone to the meetings in the first place and for that I thank her. 

In January I met her in person for the first time on my way to school and I realized that I had truly fallen in love with her, that what I felt for her was beyond what I had previously defined as love. I wanted to see her fufill her dreams become the best that she could to achieve anything she wanted to. I would jump on a grenade to save her life without a moments hesitation. I would go anywhere and do anything for her, and I still will. Shortly after meeting her we both went off to school. I stopped going to the meetings.

Good news about living on campus the internet is a nightmare, you can't do anything and I mean anything. So whenever temptations came (which wasn't frequent because I was busy with other things) I was too lazy to do anything or act on them so I felt I had it under control.

Weekend of Valentine's Day we met up in northern/central Utah. She then, after some questioning about why she was acting different, dumped me. This woman for whom I'd do anything was done with our relationship. I felt as though my heart and been ripped out, stepped on, ran over, pooped on and shredded all at once. Then I did somethings that for her sake and privacy and to promote forgetting it and moving on I will not mention. I lost her because of what I did, I didn't just lose a girlfriend that day but I lost my best friend and my confidant. We are no longer in contact, and I want her to know (if she finds this) that I wish her the best in life and that I am in her debt.

The pain of continuing with this problem is immensely worse than the pain to fix it. It may have been that we met each other and fell in love so that I would have the opportunity to experience this to realize that if I don't fix this problem I could lose something as wonderful as this was, if not better. Had I not had this experience it might have been my wife that I would've lost because of this addiction and for that I am grateful but I am also torn apart and in pain because I have memories of what happened and the pain I caused the woman I love more than anything in the world. If being an emotional wreck and having sexual addictions warrant possession then that may be a cause for what happened. Regardless I lost control and cannot afford to lose control again.