I am an 18 year old girl. I am leaving for school this summer and I need to get some things cleared up before I head off on my own. I have had a problem with reading pornographic books since I was about 12. In the past year, it has escalated to viewing pornography online. When it was just reading, I would justify it and make excuses. I now know that I have done some irreversible things and I am ashamed. I have repented and asked for help to stop. This has worked for periods of time, but I have relapsed time and again. I am too scared to go to my bishop or my parents. I don't want them to know how much I have let them down. My bishop is a family friend, and I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to serve a mission, get married, and have a family. I just can't see myself on that path right now though. I'm afraid of where I'm headed. Can I go through the complete repentance process between just the lord and I? Or do I have to involve my parents and bishop? Is there someone else I can talk to who doesn't know me as well?
A Seriously Worried Saint
1) The Lord is the only one who can forgive you of your sins, ultimately it'll between you and Him in regards to when you feel forgiven for your sins.
2) As an 18 year old I am going to assume that you have done baptisms for the dead and in doing so have had an interview for a temporary recommend. If you are doing anything that breaks the commandments brought up in the interview you should speak with a priesthood leader.
I'm going to say that you should talk to your bishop as soon as possible. (1) Your Bishop has keys to receive revelation to know how to help you in your case, he is the Lord's representative in your ward and as such is called to guide you back to the Lord and (2) if you were injured in some way and you begin to feel sick you would go to a Doctor right away instead of letting the bacteria continue to grow in the wound, regardless of how quickly the wound was getting worse; your Bishop is that doctor.
Talking to your Bishop may hurt may open up the wounds a little more as you both look and figure out what the problem is and receive revelation on how to fix it, but once you are healed you feel wonderful and as Alma put it you can "sing the song of Redeeming love."
Having personally been in and out of the Bishops office many times at different points in my life the first humbling meeting doesn't get any easier. For me every time I go in I'm thinking to myself "I should have done better, I was doing so well. I can't believe that I screwed up like that again. etc." This feeling of disappointment in myself and the thoughts that other people would be disappointed in me as well creates a very large barrier for me to cross, but at the end of the process that release of forgiveness and being born again makes it worth every minute.
As far as what to expect with your first meeting: tears lots of them, the struggle to humble yourself and confess your sins, the struggle to confess everything not just a half confession, and love. If your Bishop doesn't start the meeting with a prayer ask for one. Be open and honest about everything, what happened, how often, where, when, how you feel about it all, etc. Then listen for Love. If he feels that you have repented and done your part he'll set up a plan with you to help keep you safe, usually the 12 step program or something similar. If he feels you are unrepentant and/or you did something really really bad you will probably be excommunicated, I'm not certain though haven't found that line and hopefully I never will. If he feels you need time to work things out then you will be put on disciplinary probation.
The doctrine behind disciplinary probation :
And now behold, this is the commandment which I give unto you, that ye shall not suffer any one knowingly to partake of my flesh and blood unworthily, when ye shall minister it; For whoso eateth and drinketh my flesh and blood unworthily eateth and drinketh damnation to his soul; therefore if ye know that a man is unworthy to eat and drink of my flesh and blood ye shall forbid him.
And now behold, this is the commandment which I give unto you, that ye shall not suffer any one knowingly to partake of my flesh and blood unworthily, when ye shall minister it; For whoso eateth and drinketh my flesh and blood unworthily eateth and drinketh damnation to his soul; therefore if ye know that a man is unworthy to eat and drink of my flesh and blood ye shall forbid him.
What it means to you is that for a short period of time you will be instructed to not: (1) partake of the sacrament, (2) give talks, (3) offer prayers in church and (4) fulfill other callings and church responsibilities. This is where I messed up the first time, I was told all this and felt rejected and like I was less than all the other members of the ward. Probation by legal definition is this: The status of a convicted (repentant) person who is given some freedom (to participate in classes and come to church) on the
condition that for a specified period he or she act in a manner approved
by a special officer (Bishop and the Lord) to whom the person must report. (Legal-Dictionary). What happens if someone on probation fails to live those conditions? Their freedoms are taken away. Before we get into a tizzy and ask "but doesn't this make me 'lesser'?" lets think for a second. (1) How many of us reading this are in Heaven? (I know I'm not) (2) How many of us have to give an accounting for our actions through prayer (or priesthood leaders) to the Lord? (I know I do) (3) What happens if we don't live by the conditions (commandments) we have been given by our 'Parole Officer' (the Lord)?
Lets take a Mission President for example: Is he in heaven? Nope, not yet. Does he have to give an accounting to the Lord? (page 150 of PMG) Yes he does. He has to give a daily accounting of what he did to inspire the missionaries to follow their purpose, the actions and decisions he took as a father, a husband, a son, a priesthood holder, a missionary, a disciple of Christ, and for whatever roles and responsibilities he has. What happens if he stops? Ultimately he loses the Spirit, which means he cannot be successful doing the Lords work (D&C 42:27). Is he on Probation? You can bet your life savings he is. Isn't it interesting how life is called a 'probationary period'? So no you are no less than any other member of the church, Christ has decided He wants to spend some more close personal time with you, to help you out because He loves you (John 3:16) Just remember to listen for Love in that meeting you have with your Bishop that it is out of Charity, the pure love of Christ, that they say what they say and do what they do. (Notes: You aren't alone, I've noticed many people over the years not take the sacrament. When asked to offer a prayer you can always say 'no' or if that idea bothers you, you can always got to the teacher beforehand and say something along the lines of 'I have some stuff I need to work out so please don't ask me to offer a prayer'. When I left the MTC (9 days in) I would tell people 'I had some stuff I need to take care of' (family, school etc they don't know unless you tell them) If you ever feel like it's too hard or you don't feel the love anymore get on your knees and ask for help and I promise you, because I know from experience, that the Lord will answer your prayer.) Don't worry it'll all work out in the end.
Focusing in on a different part of her question specifically:
I now know that I
have done some irreversible things and I am ashamed.
I have repented and asked for help to stop. This has worked for periods
of time, but I have relapsed time and again. I am too scared to go to
my bishop or my parents. I don't want them to know how much I have let
them down. My bishop is a family friend, and I just can't bring myself
to do it. I want to serve a mission, get married, and have a family. I
just can't see myself on that path right now though. I'm afraid of where
I'm headed.
I'm jealous of the Young Women of the Church. I after hearing of the Gold Tie Challenge (do the Virtue Value of Personal Progress and get a Gold Tie) I thought to myself why stop at Virtue? Why not do Individual Worth, and Integrity, and Divine Nature and all the other Values and reward myself with Red, Purple and Blue ties. So I did it the last 9 months of my mission I started and finished my Personal Progress (even got it signed by YW leaders). The Young Women's theme states:
We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. We will “stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18:9) as we strive to live the Young Women values, which are:
Faith • Divine Nature • Individual Worth • Knowledge • Choice and Accountability • Good Works • Integrity • and Virtue
We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared
to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive
the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.
(Bold added for emphasis)
Adding on to the talk I posted yesterday we need to know our Identity and our Destiny. These Young Women basically get it handed to them on a silver platter ( I have no idea what I learned as a young man other than to respect the priesthood and that it could only be used to serve others). Even in Primary we were taught this. I AM A CHILD OF GOD! and so are you! and the guy who lives next door to you! We are all children of the greatest being in existence. That means I'm pretty important to God regardless of how many times I fall down or mess up He still loves me, He still created this world for me, He gave me another day to live, and He still continues to bless me and help me grow and progress. It's not only me that He cares about either, it's you and that guy down the street and your friends and everyone. You all are important to Him regardless of where you come from (Individual Worth). As a child you can become as your parents. As a child we can become as God. We have a Divine Nature to one day become like him and "that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure" (Moroni 7:48) So think about that. We in our imperfect forms are Children of God, we mean everything to Him and we are destined to become as He is. It's truly marvelous.
The best part is that after the repentance process is over we needn't look back on our lives and think that we're battered or bent or broken or less than others because we made mistakes. God remembers our sins no more (D&C 58:42-43) and through the Atonement of the Great Mediator Jehovah we are made whole. For example look at the story of the woman with the issue of blood (Matthew 5:25-34). We aren't certain what it was she was dealing with so we can put whatever problem we're dealing with in its place. We can also notice how her desire isn't to hug Jesus or sit down at supper with Him but rather just touch the hem of His garment, get just a little bit closer, feel a little bit of the Redeeming power of the Atonement. What does Christ do in return? He stops, he then starts to look around for that Daughter (or Son) of God to show them a little more love and appreciation for the good things that they do. Then He says some of the most powerful words that can be said to a repentant heart: "Daughter (Son), thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague." You aren't dinged up, scratched, bent, bruised, broken or anything like that through the Atonement you are 'made whole' and as long as you strive to do the best that you can the lord will work miracles through you. Alma the Younger is a great example of this, Noah running away from his call, Moses asking "Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?" God took a lot of relatively insignificant people (Joseph Smith), even criminals (Moses), or persecutors of the faith (Alma, Paul/Saul) and through them worked miracles that blessed countless lives. There is no limit to the Atonement, the price has been paid, we have been purchased and redeemed with the greatest blood this world has ever seen. You are great, and you are destined for greatness. No worries if the stars aligned themselves in such a way that we met and fell in love I would still marry you because every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is
that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You
are a Child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's
nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel
insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that
is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we
let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission
to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence
automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson
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